This has probably been the best day that I've had since getting the news. I went to church this morning with my youngest, and it was the first time that we have made it in quite a while. Everyone knew what happened and I was greeted with lots of smiles and hugs and tears. It was comforting to be with such a wonderful group of people for both the service and the chili/chicken noodle soup luncheon afterwards.
After we came home, I put a movie in and my son went to sleep on the couch. I cleaned up around the living room a little and then did my nails while I watched the movie. It was nice to just sit and do something that didn't require a great deal of thought, and to have peace and quiet at the same time. It was really the first "alone time" that I've had, and I really enjoyed it.
Then we ran to the store to pick up a few things to go over to our friends' house to watch the Super Bowl. And yes, even though I am from Pennsylvania, I was absolutely thrilled to see the Steelers lose - so sue me! After it was over, I got to spend some quality time in the hot tub, talking and thinking out loud.
Back home again, and the little one is asleep on the couch. I'm sitting here playing around online, catching up with people on Facebook that I haven't had a chance to talk to with all of the commotion that has been going on around here. My mind is still going in about a dozen different directions at any given time, but the fog is starting to lift from my brain. I know that I have to get past this, and our lives must go on. I am still struggling, and I know that I will continue to do so for a long time. I was thinking back to the last time I talked to my ex-husband, several months ago. I was brutally honest with him at that time and I said some things that he didn't want to hear, but I still believe that they were the truth and they needed to be said and he needed to hear them. I still remember his responses to me and that conversation will haunt me until the day that I die.
I will always wish that things had turned out differently. I wish that I had handled certain situations in a different way, or that I would have been able to deal with some things better. But what I have to keep reminding myself is that what happened can't be changed. Even if I had done everything perfectly, the outcome may have been the same. I need to try to get past my own feelings of guilt and move on with my life and make a good life for not just our son, but all of my kids. Day by day, bit by bit, it will get easier. At least that's what I keep telling myself when I feel a meltdown coming....