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Thursday, February 2, 2012

Rough day

I've been dreading this day for weeks. Seriously. I knew that it was going to be rough, but I wasn't sure how rough - and now it's starting.

One year ago today, February 2, 2011 - is the day that my ex-husband (Daniel's father) passed away. It was the day that my entire world turned upside down and inside out. We had been separated for 20 months when our divorce became final, and divorced for 20 days when he died.

Long story short, if you're not familiar with it - he was an alcoholic. There was a lot of denial about that fact, but it is what it is. It contributed to his death at the age of 46.

For the relatively short time that we were married, I tried to help him fight the alcoholism. I tried to make him "see the light". I tried to get him to stop drinking. When he first moved in with us and we would have a "few drinks" before bedtime, I would even go so far as to drink way more than I needed or wanted to, with the assumption that if *I* was drinking the booze, he wasn't - and that would somehow help him. If I found a bottle hidden somewhere, I would dump it down the drain. I kicked him out of the house numerous times, threatened him with divorce, called the police when I feared for our safety, forced him to go to rehab - none of it worked.

Sometimes it worked for short periods of time, but he always fell back into the same patterns - until I had finally had enough. I didn't feel that the kids and I were safe anymore. So I made him leave one final time. That was by far one of the hardest things that I have ever done in my life, but I knew that there was nothing that I could do to help him. He had to help himself.

He moved back east with his family, and we stayed here. We tried to talk things out on the phone, but it never worked. He was usually intoxicated and I would lose my temper and hang up on him. All I wanted him to do was to get sober. I loved him. When he was sober, he was a wonderful person; but all it took was one drink and the ugly part of him would come out. He was a man possessed by a demon, and there was no controlling that demonic presence. I tried.

In the meantime, because I was not working, the bills were not getting paid. His child support was not getting paid. He wasn't working because he didn't have his drivers license as the result of a DUI arrest when he was still here. He was getting unemployment, but he refused to pay the child support after the first few months.

The last conversation that I ever had with him will haunt me for the rest of my life. It was in September or October of 2010. We had been separated for nearly a year and a half by then. I still remember it so clearly - we were in the old house, and the kids were in bed so I had gone out on the porch while we were talking - or trying to talk. The subject of the child support came up, and he informed me that he had no intentions of paying it. He refused to pay what was court-ordered to support Daniel. I had had enough. I suggested to him that he relinquish his parental rights to Daniel. By doing so, he wouldn't be responsible for any more child support payments and he could go on with his life and try to repair the relationship that he had with his older son, and allow Daniel to grow up not having to wonder if his father cared about him. I told him flat out that at this point, Daniel didn't remember him, didn't ask about him, and he would be better off with no father at all instead of having a drunk one who might waltz in and out of his life once or twice a year and pretend to be a father. I wasn't saying these things to be mean - to me it was, and still is, the truth. I wanted Jeff to be free from the responsibility, the obligation, and to focus on healing himself without the additional pressure of financially supporting a child who didn't choose to have a drunk as a father.

His last words to me during that conversation were "over my dead body". Those were the last words that I ever heard him say. A few months later, he was dead.

That conversation haunts me to this day. I know in my head that I didn't cause his death. But I can't help but wonder if I could have done things differently. Maybe if I had given him one more chance, he would have gotten sober. Maybe if I hadn't kicked him out, things would have turned out differently. What if....?

Not a day goes by that I don't think about him and wonder what I could have done differently. In my head, I know that I did the right thing, but that conversation replays in my head time and time again, and I struggle with it daily. There are times that the guilt is unbearable, but I know that no matter what anyone says or thinks - I did the right thing. I had to protect myself and protect my kids. I had our best interests in mind when I made him leave. I couldn't take the risk of someone getting hurt again - including him.

So now, a year later...I look back at what happened and I continue to wonder what I could have done differently. I deal with the guilt as best I can. While I wish that things had turned out differently, I know in my heart that he is at peace. The demons are gone. Each day does get a bit easier but there will always be a part of me that blames myself. I know that I did the right thing - I just wish that there had been a different outcome.

To his family: I'm sorry. I'm sorry that things turned out the way that they did. This is not what I wanted. I never wanted to take him away from you. I never wanted you to go through this kind of pain and heartache. I never wanted to take him away from his older son, and that in particular is something for which I will never forgive myself.

But at the same time, I also want his family to understand that I will not feel guilty for moving on with my life. I am doing my best to raise my kids in a way that will make everyone proud. Daniel is an amazing little boy who is smart and funny and athletic, and he is happy. You were given the opportunity to be a part of Daniel's life, and you chose not to take advantage of it. You have refused to provide information that I needed that would qualify him for benefits that would help him. And those are things that to me, are unforgivable.

A year later, and I am stronger than I ever thought that I would be. I am happy. I have found a wonderful man who treats me and the kids the way that we deserve to be treated - and I will not apologize for that. My little family has gone through a lot of stress, heartache, and pain to get to where we are today, and I am proud of where we are. We have plans for the future, and we are doing what we need to do to make those plans a reality.

I will never forget Jeff. But I have forgiven myself for what happened.

Rest in Peace, Jeff.

20 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Thanks dear! And thank you for always being there for me. :)

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  2. I grew up not knowing my dad, who suffers from alcoholism. I believe, in retrospect, that my life was much better overall, because my mom made the choice to remove herself and me along with her away from that kind of negativity.
    I know, Amy, that you have alot of things about this situation that still bother you and I promise that I will do my absolute best to be there when you need me to vent to, a shoulder to lean on or even just an extra hand with the kiddos.
    You're right, Daniel is an amazing boy, full of energy, brains... just endless potential. I am glad everyday that you've allowed me to be apart of their lives, all of them, whether it's the sweet little things they say and do or when they're at each others throats and being beligerent. These things are a part of being kids in a big family, so I simply will do what I can to provide guidance, be their buddy when I can and show the adult authority when I have to, over and above all adhering to the way you want to see them raised.
    I'm so proud of you, daily, watching you overcome all of the obstacles life tends to place in your way. You inspire and motivate me and I can't get enough of having you all around!

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    1. Kerry, you amaze me every day. Your willingness to just jump into this situation when most men wouldn't just boggles my mind. I am so thankful that we have you in our lives - and I can't imagine not having you around. Your support means the world to me and to the kids. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

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  3. I just wanted to point something out. You said 'I never wanted to take him away from you.'

    Amy. YOU didn't take him from anyone. HE did it all HIMSELF. I truly believe that no matter what you did, no matter how many chances you gave, it would have turned out all the same. As you said, he had a disease. A demon. That demon took him over, and he didn't know that it was slowly killing him. YOU didn't even know that. There is nothing you could have done differently. When someone is that far in the hole, nobody can reach them. Nobody. You are not even an ounce responsible for what happened, and you couldn't have paid all the money in the world to have it prevented. It was inevitable.

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    1. I know - you're right. I did everything that I could do, and even though I wonder at times if I made the right decisions, I know that I did. There will always be that "what if?" in the back of my mind though. But, life goes on, and I will keep living it!

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  4. Heather... you just said what I was going to.... YOU (Non-Stop Mom) did NOT take him away from anyone... he did that himself. You can second guess yourself on everything, but you did not make him drink nor to treat you and your son the way he did. We all make our own choices. I am sorry that he died, but it is NOT your fault. Nothing you did could have prevented it. You deserve to not ever feel bad about your part in any of it. We all say things and do things we regret, but you did not cause his death. Honestly. Do honestly and truly forgive yourself for the part you think you played in the outcome. You and your son deserve happiness! <3

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    1. Thank you so much - and since you and Heather seem to be on the same wavelength, make sure you read my response to her too! ;) Luckily, we have found happiness, and we are enjoying every second of it!

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  5. *smiles*

    *hugs*

    You are so strong.
    You amaze me.

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    1. Thanks - I don't look at it as being strong. To me, it's more like doing what I have to do. But I know that the whole situation has made me a stronger person. :)

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  6. Such an honest post. It takes guts to be who you are, Amy. And to do what you do. Keep doing it.

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  7. Very well said Amy. I remember that day all to well. I know that it haunts you. I am so glad to see you back on top of your game and I am especially happy to see the Dude in your life. Even thought you don't come over and play no more LOL. I know that you struggle with what to tell Daniel when he gets older. The truth always wins out. But the truth doesn't have to be a bad thing. You know, when people are fighting battles they take on different personalities. Whether it be cancer, depression, alcoholism, drug addiction, mental disorders, whatever, look at the root cause if their behavior. Jeff was a GREAT guy when he WASN'T drinking. It was the alcohol that brought out the person that ran and hid away from his child. It was the alcohol that made him not care. Maybe he was just to ashamed of not being the man he wanted to be. You hear people say all the time; He/She was such a nice person until...they started taking drugs...they got sick...when they are on their medicine...they are off their medicine. I compare it to someone that has a brain tumor. Their personality can change to being very mean and angry because the tumor causes things to fire differently. Do you trust what that person says while this is going on? No. Why? Because it's not them. It's the tumor talking. Alcoholism and drug addiction can be the same way. Granted, most people that have tumors would try to operate and get rid of it but sometimes you can't. That wasn't Jeff, it was the alcohol talking. I can imagine the struggle. The alcohol digging the hole deeper and deeper and then later the hungover/still drunk/sober Jeff realizing what Mr. Hyde did and trying to get out of it and not knowing how.

    Let Daniel know Jeff. The smile, the kind man, but also let him be aware of the demons that haunted Jeff. Let it be the demons that made Jeff what he was. Because in the end, that was his tumor.

    I am glad that you finally realize that you have nothing to blame yourself for. You are a fantastic woman and mother and it's nice the Kerry realizes this. You guys are great for each other. You just need to bring him over to play more. Kerry and I need a play date LOL. (((BIG HUGS AMES)))) We love you girl. Stay strong.

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    1. Thanks Roy. And we will work on getting over there soon!

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  8. Play date play date play date!

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    1. Hey, you know where he lives now - go over and play!

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  9. <3 I still can't believe that it's been a year. I remember that conversation that I had with you like it happened yesterday. I agree with Heather and swrunneraz. YOU didn't cause him to drink. He did that all on his own, which ultimately caused his death. It was a shock to us all, especially after Kansastock, and I can only imagine the pain in your heart....I know the pain I feel about it, from being his friend....Know I'm thinking of you all, and loving you from far away. <3 I love you girl!

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    1. Love you too! It still seems kind of surreal at times....

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  10. Love you girl. You are a tough cookie. I didn't need to revisit those old posts... I remember the harsh words. You are a stronger person today. Words can't be taken back, but ... neither can actions: and some haunt us always. Keep trucking. Next year will be easier - and I'm sorry to say that - but it will be. You are a great mom. Kristen

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    1. It does get easier - it just has a way of bubbling back up to the surface every now and then. Love you!

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